I'm obsessing. Am I obsessing? Maybe I am obsessing. But I suppose if you're going to obsess over anything in life, the impending birth of your children is probably the one that's excused and ok. Still, I wish I could make some greater use of this "rest time" I have before my due date and say, start my own multi-million-dollar business or enroll in business school or write the great American novel or save the world... or something.

Instead I'm constantly cleaning the house to make sure it's in tip-top shape before I have to go to the hospital, investigating the evil Internet, and well, just reading books and watching movies. Not much else. Meanwhile my head is obsessing in the background, incessantly thinking about the terrible warnings I've gotten from friends who tell me how horrific and hard this is going to be (thanks guys), how tired I will feel, how difficult marriage will become, how undesirable the lifestyle is, and how I need to understand that I will be entering "survival mode" where I will remain for months and months. Oh and maybe just maybe I will find the time to fall in love with the babies. They usually throw that one in at the end, for good measure.

Let's see what happens. I swear I will be honest about it once we're in it. I really will. But I am a little resentful of the consistently negative reviews I've heard about parenthood, especially considering what we went through to get here (3 years and 8 doctors), what we have had to and will continue to sacrifice ($$, time, travel, freedom, etc.), and where we were exactly one year ago (in the midst of radiation treatment for cancer). Could it really be as bad as they say?

Despite the fact that Baby B is constantly kicking me in the ribs, pushing her little legs against my stomach, and Baby A is torturing me with incessant hiccups, not to mention I have gained more than 40 lbs. I have to lose in 2 months or I'll die, I am striving to experience these last few days of pregnancy in a state of wonder and amazement that I have 2 almost fully formed humans living inside me, and that truly, my body has been exceptionally efficient at doing what it needed to do to get them here. I likely will never have this experience again. It's kind of sad, really. A friend of mine told me the other day that she wishes she could be pregnant again, just for a day. She misses it. That feeling that you're not alone, ever, you have a person/people with you every second of the day and you're sustaining them 100% - no one else can see them, feel them, hold them, just me. That's pretty cool. Maybe I'll miss it too. Hard to imagine, but I'd believe it.

Well, lounging appears to work - I lost 4 pounds since Thursday and have normal blood and blood pressure. No babies for today.

Day 7 of disability leave is definitely relaxing (coma-inducing, perhaps?) but now that I'm tethered to the sofa on "pre-eclampsia watch" it's a bit of a drag. I'll know tomorrow whether I actually have it, and then, it's quite possible that my 3 weeks of leave will be cut down to more like one. Are we ready for this? I don't think so!

I gained 6 pounds in a week - that was the biggest sign that things weren't perfectly normal. I hit the 35-week mark today though so whatever happens, the stats say the twins should be a-ok. I had to cancel plans for lunch and museum-hopping with Mai on Friday but she was kind enough to come over to keep me company for a couple of hours, and today, Akhil brought me a house-made pop-tart from Nickel Diner where he had brunch with a friend.

This blog could become very interesting, very soon! Check out our nursery (a work in progress). I love Etsy. We're still trying to figure out the stroller, the car, the nanny... all the big, expensive stuff. Anyone know a good nanny? (Who's willing to take care of twins, full-time, in Pasadena come November? Can't promise anything on their behavior.) Also, if you have a pool, I want to come over and live with you for the next few weeks. Seriously.

Progress report: Today I am at 34 weeks and 1 day and the babies are approaching 5 lbs. apiece while I'm approaching a total weight gain of 40 lbs. Translation: I am extremely uncomfortable but not sure if the trade-off -- premature labor -- would be a better option. I'm sure it's not, but also not sure whether I'd feel any better being post-C-section and unable to sleep because I'll have nursing duties every 2 hours! It's all getting almost a little too real now and now that I'm on disability from work, I have plenty of time to fret about it.

Meanwhile there is a lot of kicking going on and it's getting painful here and there. I just had an ultrasound where you could see the babies have HAIR, and are often wide awake with their eyes open in utero. So strange and miraculous -- but I have to admit, also a little freaky.

I wish there was a little break, maybe say, 48 hours or so, between labor/the birth and the caregiving kickoff so you could catch up on sleep, you know? I am terrified of the chronic sleeplessness that's coming. I suppose the insomnia I'm having now is training...

Wow, it's been almost exactly a year since cancer day - I remember clearly because it was our anniversary.

Well, where are we now? Drumroll please... instead of scheduling surgery for our anniversary, we went out to dinner at Mozza and gave each other lots of red roses and we're expecting twins, yes, our own twins, in about four weeks. (That is, if I can make it to my scheduled due date of August 11.)

Isn't that incredible? Akhil and I aren't the types to rest on our laurels, so we got to work after the drama of last summer came to a close, and by New Years Eve, we had a positive PG test. I wasn't quite able to believe it until the physical effects began to kick in (extraordinary nausea, the most obvious symptom. Oh, that was pleasant).

So my best intention now is to begin a new chapter with this blog, not just a chapter, an epic, and that would be the one where we talk about our family, our family of four.